Grow up!

What does it mean to be mature? I have come to think of maturation as the process of integrating into society and learning how to get the most out of the short time we are given on this blue orb.  I attended a lecture in the early 90's where among other things, the speaker talked about a university study on maturity.  My recollection was that the study had identified over 1200 aspects to the human psyche that we could or should experience growth in. No one human could ever show high levels of maturity in all 1200 columns, rather they spent a lifetime building and adding to the list. Escapist behaviors such as drinking, drugs and a host of _______-aholics all tend to stop the maturation process.  The problem is that instead of learning to cope with life's tests and frustrations, the avoiding behaviors keep us stuck pretty much where we were when we started said behaviors.

So what makes up the list of 1200?  I don't really know, but I would guess things like patience, humility, responsibility, compassion, self-confidence, honesty, directness, selflessness, principles, commitment, and  another 1190 adult sounding words.  I remember being amused by the thought of 1200 workbooks that you could purchase individually and work on a particular "maturity merit badge". Certain jobs would require so many merit badges:  Rock Star-0; Professional Athlete-5; Politician-25; Business Owner -100; Judge-250...

 When I was in my early twenties, I was pretty sure I was a reasonably mature adult with mature philosophies about life.  Sadly, despite the fact that I was married, had kids, and a good job I was anything but.  Instead, I teemed with insecurities and not uncommonly felt the need to do things such as exaggerate, manipulate people to get what I wanted or even occasionally lie to get what I wanted or to cover a perceived failure.  I exaggerated to try to convince people that perhaps I was more clever, physically adept, or responsible than I really was. The less I knew about something, the more likely I was to argue with someone about it lest they sense my actual ineptitude on the subject. My guess would be that at least some people who knew me then might have perceived arrogance. (Thanks for not telling me!)  This was really the result of compensating for those pesky insecurities.   I excused my occasional manipulative behaviors as harmless. Instead of being direct and honest about what I wanted I felt it was often better to just avoid any potential controversy and simply nudge people in such a way as to achieve the outcome I desired. I actually viewed this as the "right" way to get things done because it avoided unpleasantness while getting me where I wanted to be.  It took years for me to come to understand that I was perpetuating my insecurities and robbing those I cared most about the chance to really get to know me.
On the plus side, I do think every employer I ever had thought of me as a good employee.  I had a good work ethic and because of my insecurities felt I needed to be really good at whatever I was asked to do and willingly threw my all into every task asked of me.I guess I had earned a few merit badges.

After half a century of life, I would like to think that I have long since outgrown the majority of my insecurities and have evolved to have a strong appreciation for value and desirability of directness.  That's not to say there aren't  regressions , particularly under stressful conditions.  It also isn't to say there is anything resembling a shortage of areas where I could use some additional growth.  The most obvious that comes to mind is "balance." I have always had a "work hard, play hard" philosophy. I viewed this philosophy as a positive for decades.  Recently, however, it has become clearer to me that once again I am short-changing myself and those I love.  As I am forced to periodically reduce staff through lay-offs or attrition, I have found myself feeling a deepening need to intensify my work in order to compensate for the diminished resources.   I tend to take on far more than I possibly accomplish.  I enjoy hard work and extrapolate that to all areas of my life.  The results can sometimes border on the absurd.  It is time to realize my limitations and organize my life in such a fashion that I can provide the necessary time for fitness, family, friends, cars, houses, work, and recreation.

Despite my journey away from many immature behaviors, anyone that has spent time around me understands that I would never want to be described as "mature".  In fact,  I very specifically don't want to "grow up" in some areas of my life.  I think all passions stem from a childlike hunger for fun or knowledge.  Risky behaviors such as kayaking, rock climbing, diving, flying and a many others could be considered immature and selfish to pursue.  However, I think they provide a balance between childhood fantasies and the harsher realities of adult life.  It seems that it is more often than not, the immature aspects of our personalities that are the most interesting and perhaps the most likely to attract friendships or mates. I for one want to keep as many childlike qualities as I can get away with as long as they keep my life interesting and don't take away from other important relationships in my life.